


Broken

by appleblossom2



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-27
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2018-02-15 00:29:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2208825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appleblossom2/pseuds/appleblossom2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another look at what's going on inside Grant Ward's head after the end of season 1.  <br/>(I'm bad at summaries.) :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for season 1 basically.

_I am sitting at the bar in this upscale Dublin hotel by myself, nursing a drink when she approaches. My emotions have been all over the place since first touching the Berserker staff, but mainly stuck at anger and fear, no matter how much I try to tamp them down. They are two sensations I haven't felt in years since I had learned to lock everything up, keeping my past compartmentalized until now, and I am overwhelmed by their ferocity._

_"Hey," Skye says quietly and we make small talk about the rooms we are staying in for the evening until she asks, "How are you feeling?"_

_"Not great," I answer, looking her in the eye for a moment before turning my attention back to the amber liquid in my glass. I apologize for the way I was earlier, when my rage was at its worst. She takes me at my word, forgiving me in an instant and it makes me curious about her. How can she not be so angry at me? I was a complete jerk to her. To Fitz. To Simmons. "What I saw... it was about my brother."_

_My mind is instantly transported back to those terrible memories once more. My younger brother floundering in the well. Drowning, or maybe only close to drowning. He's terrified and calling my name. Begging me to save him. My older brother appears as soon as I have the rope and he threatens me with my little brother's same fate if I don't wait. I watch as my little brother goes under the water and for a moment I'm afraid he won't survive but suddenly there is a ripple and his soaked hair appears, right before his face breaks the surface, and I am hurrying to send the rope down to him._

_"I figured," she replies, bringing me back from my memories as she leans forward, her hand reaching out to touch me, her fingers soft and warm as they close around my wrist. Her dark eyes are filled with compassion for me. Compassion I know I don't deserve. "I know you're not one to talk, but like you said, I'm here. My shoulder is free."_

_"I'm beat," I answer, fighting the urge inside to tell her everything. "Another time maybe."_

_"You know where I live," Skye replies and I hesitate for a moment before finishing the last of my drink and walking away, leaving her behind. When I get to the door of my room I see May and she has the same haunted look on her face that I know is on mine. She opens her hotel room door and I see the bottle of wine in her hand and she leaves the door open as she steps inside. I follow her, needing comfort, release. My emotions are locked down where May is concerned. It's just sex and nothing more._

***

For some reason these memories keep coming back to me as I sleep. I glance around the sparse hospital room in the high security wing of what is probably a military hospital. There are no windows so I really don't know where I am. The room itself has only the hospital bed, a lone chair that no one has bothered to use since I have been here, and a small empty wardrobe. No television distracts me from my thoughts and the nurses only come in once every few hours to do pain management and change the bandages on my injured foot. That ache is nothing compared to the sore throat I have, my larynx fractured by May. Swallowing is agony yet I feel that I deserve it so I am glad to suffer silently. No one speaks to me; Coulson's orders I'm sure, but I don't mind. Soon the interrogations will begin and I am already torn between my loyalty to John Garrett and just wanting Coulson to know everything. How could I have been so wrong about John? Was he always as bat shit crazy as these last few days have shown or did the drug make him that way. I know it is the same stuff that saved Coulson and Skye but neither of them seemed to suffer from the same side effects. In fact, Skye seemed exactly the same after she recovered from her gunshot wounds; almost as if she hadn't been shot at all. As always, my thoughts have returned once again to the girl I can't forget. What is it about her that captures my heart and my mind? She doesn't even want anything to do with me. I disgust her completely and I finally understand why. She trusted me. She believed in me. And I let her down. I let them all down and for what? Loyalty to an outdated cause? To an insane man? How did everything go so wrong? Full circle my brain goes, between Skye and John, with a little Coulson thrown in for good measure.

I need to talk to Skye. Tell her what Raina said about her parents being the monsters that murdered an entire village looking for their infant daughter. What is she, that people went to great lengths, sacrificed their own lives, to save her? What are they, these horrible people that would hunt down and kill their own child? My mind sticks slightly at this thought. Would they have killed her? She was just a baby. Their baby. I understand monsters, but not this. My brother was a monster. He deserved to die in that fire but at the same time, I am glad he didn't. Garrett rescued me from that life where I would have either finally killed him or he would have killed me. I owed Garrett everything and I was loyal to the end, but now that it is over and I have had time to think about it, I can't stop wondering how much I've really lost. Coulson's team was starting to feel like a family and Skye like something more. 

Why is she in my head so much? I need to let her go. To find the kill switch on these emotions. But then I see her in my dreams. Her dark eyes piercing mine. That kiss, the first one at the Hub, before she knew I was Hydra, is what sustains me. It was quick and heartfelt and when I walked out the door I wasn't even sure if I had been lying to her when I said I wanted to have that drink. Sometimes I wish I could rewind back to before Hydra's big reveal. If only I'd given in to my need to talk to her that night. To tell her everything. To stop compartmentalizing every lie and half-truth and just be honest for once. Exhaustion takes over and Skye's beautiful smile is what I see as I drift off to dream.

***

_I am sitting at the bar in this upscale Dublin hotel by myself, nursing a drink when she approaches. Her dark eyes are kind and I see the worry on her face as she settles in beside me._

_"Hey," she says softly and we exchange pleasantries about having a night off the bus with a real dinner and a soft bed in an elegant room. When our conversation comes to a natural lull she asks, "How are you feeling?"_

_"Not great," I answer, looking her in the eye for a moment before turning my attention back to the amber liquid in my glass. I apologize for my earlier ranting, when my emotions were raging at anything that moved. She forgives me instantly and I don't understand. How can she so easily let it go when I was a complete jerk to her and FitzSimmons. I realize she is staring at me and finally I say, "What I saw... it was about my brother."_

_"I figured," she replies, bringing me back from my memories as she leans forward, her soft, pale hand reaching out, covering my wrist and I feel a slight shock of electricity at the touch. It is everything I can do not to pull her close to me and when our eyes meet, hers are filled with compassion that I know I don't deserve. "I know you're not one to talk, but like you said, I'm here. My shoulder is free."_

_I start to tell her I'm exhausted, but the truth is, I'm afraid. What happens when I tell her I'm Hydra? How furious is she going to be? I can't tell her. I can't. But suddenly I am sliding my hand into hers, asking her to follow me to my room. She does, trusting me completely, until we are sitting side by side on my bed. I stare down at the carpeted floor, the words flitting across my tongue over and over until finally I just say it._

_"Skye... I'm Hydra."_

_"What?" she asks and I hear the shock in her voice and feel her eyes boring into me but I can't look at her. "Hydra? They don't even exist anymore."_

_"They do," I whisper, ashamed now that I am betraying the one man who rescued me when I was broken. The only person who believed in me and gave me a chance to prove myself. I tell her everything. Everything from when I was a little boy until Garrett rescued me, to Hydra's plans to take over S.H.I.E.L.D. For her part she listens without comment, her hand reaching for mine at one point, squeezing gently as I continue to stare down at the floor, the words pouring out of my mouth unbidden. When I finally stop talking it seems like hours have passed. I don't even realize that I am crying until she wipes the tears away from my cheeks. I chance a look in her direction and instead of seeing hate and loathing, there is concern and compassion._

_"You need to tell Coulson," she whispers as she wraps her arms around me and pulls me into her embrace. I nod, knowing that she is right, but for now I just hold her, praying she will stay by my side forever. It only takes a moment until my lips search out hers. I need her and want her and for the first time in my life I don't feel broken anymore. Everything will be okay as long as Skye is by my side._

Hours later I wake from that dream, wishing it could have been reality. It is too late to know if my life would have been different if I'd only taken her up on having that talk in Dublin. No one has ever touched my heart the way that Skye has . Someday I hope to be able to tell her and when I do, I hope she will believe me. 

The end


End file.
